Is your relationship not going the way you wanted??? Try the Cookie Concept!!!

Here is the scenario: You go out and meet someone, start out having a wonderful time, and 15 minutes into the conversation you realize that they have become boring, grumpy, a jerk, etc. Maybe that has even happened with your long-time boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse on occasion. They seem to switch from pleasant to annoying before you even know what happened.

You know what else? It could be partially your fault...

Too often, we're quick to blame someone else when things go sour. It's easy to point out what they "did wrong". But, we seldom look at what we did to influence their behavior (or what we didn't do). And, despite how ineffective we might feel at times, we can have a very big impact on the behavior of our dates and partners.

Sometimes the difference between a good date (or partner) and a bad one is a little technique. All it takes is a "cookie"...

Using Reinforcement

In psychology, reinforcement is a method that uses a "stimulus" (e.g. gestures, words, rewards, food, etc.) to increases the probability of a behavior. Basically, it is giving another person something, after they perform a behavior, that makes them want to do it again. For example, if a kid gets an A on his homework...then his mother rewards him with a cookie . The cookie "reinforces" the desired behavior (getting an A). As a result, the kid performs the behavior again, because he wants another A paper and another cookie!

Well, this process also occurs in dating. In fact, we're doing it constantly! Most people are just not doing it consciously. Here is an example:

Suppose a man goes out on a date with his lovely girlfriend. He is discussing the usual topics. She is paying attention to him, smiling, and laughing (sometimes). These reactions from her are reinforcing to him, because he is attracted to her and likes her attention. Therefore, when she's paying attention to him, laughing, and smiling, he keeps talking about whatever it is that he's talking about. He wants another cookie (more attention, smiles, etc.). When she looks away, he finds a different topic to get her attention back. His behavior is influenced by the reinforcement of her attention. As a result, he keep talking about the things she likes...

The Problem with Unintentional Reinforcement

Unfortunately, most reinforcement in dating situations is not intentional. As a result, "cookies" are given and undesirable behaviors are unknowingly encouraged. For example:

Let us suppose the man is now being particularly "distracted" on this date. Maybe he had a bad day. His date tries every topic to get his attention. She may flirt, talk about cars, etc. Still no attention. Then, perhaps she gets annoyed (gim'me a cookie!). In her frustration, she insults her date. Oops! But, wow, it actually "gets his attention". The guy even gives a little weird giggle (because he's embarrassed). But, it is STILL attention. That means it is STILL a cookie (reinforcement). So, she proceeds to be "reinforced" in her insulting...and she berates her date for the rest of the meal. He keeps paying attention to the insults, she keep getting reinforced to insult by the attention, and the whole process continues through dessert and the car ride home.

That is why you don't rely on "luck" in your social life. You make sure that you're reinforcing the behaviors that you want from the other person. You make sure to intentionally give your date a cookie!

How to Give a Cookie

Here is how to intentinally reinforce good behavior:

1) Understand the cookie - To truly reinforce, we must first understand what stimuli are reinforcing. We need to find out what your date "likes" and responds to in a positive way. There are a lot of individual differences, so you may need to try a few things until you see what works. Generally though, "basic needs" such as food, water, kind treatment, appreciation, light complements, respect, and comforting (non-creepy) touch are all good for reinforcement.

2) Time the cookie - A behavior must be reinforced after it is performed - and soon after. This associates the behavior with the reward. So, pay attention! Give them the cookie as soon as they are behaving in the way you like. When they are being polite, make eye contact and smile. When they are taking out the trash, give them a kiss. When they talk to you pleasantly for awhile, then buy them a drink and tell them you appreciate the good company.

3) Withhold the cookie - Not every behavior gets a cookie, only the one's we'd like to see again. If your date is freezing you out, or your partner is being a nag, then they don't get a cookie until the attitude changes. When you do something good while someone is behaving badly, you are only reinforcing the bad behavior. Don't do it. Instead, ignore them until they are more pleasant. Or, better yet, find some small part of their behavior that you do like, and reinforce that.

4) Repeat the cookie (with variety) - Cookies don't work as well when they are given every single time. So, don't stare like a stalker every time your date says he/she likes you. Take a break now and then. Mix up the types of cookies. Smile at one joke. Laugh at the next. Skip one. Touch arm on the next. No one likes the same cookie over and over. Plus, we all appreciate a cookie more when we have to work a little harder to get it. So, skipping a cookie now and then is okay too (called a "variable ratio schedule").

Conclusion

Don't rely on luck or random, unintentional reinforcement. That only leads to trouble. Next time you're having a good date...give them a cookie! When your partner does something you like, don't forget to...give them a cookie! Cookies make the world go around. Let me know how they work for you.

Why Being Nice Doesn't Lead to Love!!!!

Some of the questions came from a group of people I call Nice Guys and Gals. These people do everything for others. They do everything they believe they are "supposed" to do for their lovers. Yet, time and time again, their partners abandon them, overlook them, mistreat them, and generally fail to love them back.

Nice guys and gals are completely confused by these outcomes. They cannot understand how they can, at least theoretically, do everything right—yet have the situation turn out so wrong. They cannot understand why their good behavior doesn't lead to love and respect. After all, we're all "told" that is how it is supposed to work. Bring someone flowers or cook them dinner and they love you forever... Not quite!

Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I was a nice guy. Heck, I think I was THE nice guy. I was that clueless guy, doing everything I was told to do by society and romantic comedies, and it was not working. I gave lovers everything and got no gratitude for it. I did the "good" boyfriend and husband thing...and it all fell apart. I learned firsthand that such nice behavior didn't work.

But, I eventually found the answers!

Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!

The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?

Well, there is a reason. Your partner (or their gender) is not stupid. The world has not turned upside down. There are simple influence principles at work here. These principles make the "inferior people" look valuable and you not-so-much. Let us take a look at them further and see why nice people finish last...

1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest

When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.

However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.

Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?

Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.

Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva... They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.

Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.

2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior

People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Pretty simple...

Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.

The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behavior. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.

In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behavior. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behavior to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.

Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.

As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behavior more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards—and occasionally withholding—they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.

3) Nice People Are Too Available

We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything...even people.

Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.

Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behavior actually makes them seem low value and worthless.

The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).

Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.

Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.

Conclusion

Again, your ex (or their entire gender) is not crazy. But, their psychological dynamics do cause them to process things differently than a nice person might hope. As a result of a few mental shortcuts getting crossed, winners look like losers and losers look like winners.

Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game...and play by them.

So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.